more tiny humans

Ailey swinging

On a Friday in June–some of the best kinds of Fridays are in June–we found out that I am pregnant again.  Then, I promptly vomited, as if, now that it was official, I officially had symptoms.

This baby, unlike Ailey, is not a surprise.  Ailey is almost two, and though we were completely unprepared for her to make her grand entry into our family when she did, we’ve always wanted to have our kids be close in age.  Built-in play-mates and learning to share by necessity and all of the things that come with close siblings sound like a dream.

So, here we are, actually doing the family thing, even if we feel like imposters, technically too inexperienced for the gig.  I’m still waiting for Some Authority Figure to sternly demand that I present the mom license that I don’t have.  But, they don’t give you a license when you have a baby, and this time next year, we’ll have two tiny people in our family.

There is often a lot of talk about being ready for babies and if there’s anything I’ve learned about building a family, it’s that “ready” is such an inadequate description of the situation.  I don’t know if part of it is because we didn’t actively decide to start when we did, or that I’ve always made really impulsive decisions, but being ready is kind of a myth.  There are so many things that you just adjust as you go–make room in the budget here, give up a thing or two there or promise myself I’ll sleep at nap time and mourn the loss of sleeping in while I sleepily smile at the toddler whom arrived in our bedroom at 6 am.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that motherhood has taught me so much about the realities of life and what little of it that I can actually control.  I’m grateful that our family is growing and that I think I’m actually maturing along with that growth.  But not too much…  😉

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wrangling dreams

I used to have such a great memory.

But now, there are things that fill up the space and interrupt the making of memories, or their recall. I’m not sure where the breakdown is, but my has it broken down. It’s a weird thing, having your most trusted companion in life twist and shift until she’s a little less trustworthy. That’s my memory, a slightly less reliable version of a friend I used to have.

Lately, I find myself with less time to write it all down, and that has to stop. That’s the only way I’ll remember the details, because there’s so much to focus on, that otherwise they’d all run together. So, I’m writing it down and remembering this:

Today, Ailey walked barefoot in the grass for the first time. She’s done it a ton in her shoes, which she loves so dearly that we rarely leave the house without them, which is why it’s taken 19 months of her life before I realized that she’s never felt grass between her toes.

So I took her hand and said, “I bet you’ve never felt the grass under your toes, have you? Believe me, you’re in for a treat!” And her eyes lit up and she squealed and jumped around a bit, thrilled with the new sensation.

I thought my heart my literally explode right in that moment, and basically this is a picture of what parenthood has looked life for me so far. Sure, there are the days that are really hard, when toddlers are inconsolable, and mamas are tired and just not. having. it. But days like today are the ones I will remember best, when I had the great privilege of holding a tiny girl’s hand when she first felt mud squish between her toes. I know this isn’t the dream gig for everyone, and parenthood isn’t in the cards for each of us, heck, I wasn’t prepared for it when it was thrust upon me. But, man. I am overwhelmed with it. Ushering a new person through each new life experience. What an honor.