when the bummer sets in

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Today, I woke up feeling existentially bummed. I think this is part of the gig sometimes, this mom (or maybe everyone and I’m just a mom) thing. More days than not lately, I wake up earlier than I’d like to and certainly earlier than I need to, feeling physically sick and emotionally drained and over it before “it” has even begun.

Today was one of those days.

Then, inevitably, I realize I have a bad attitude and I’m not being patient with a tiny toddler who is just learning how live in a world that’s not her size, who can’t articulate that or much of anything else well at all. And I kick myself, because I’m missing it.

Some days I am so egregiously missing the point. Because on the days that I start complaining and bummed, are days that I’m focusing all on me. And I am so not the point.

And maybe instead, the point is that others’ needs are more important than mine, and that my attitude is evident in how I approach those needs. Maybe the point is that mothering is hard work, there’s no denying that, but that preserving is for when it’s hard and that’s meaningful. Maybe the point is that God is shaping me every day, slowly rubbing off sharp edges and making me grow.

So I can be grateful in the mundane, hard, and downright awful parts of this life, because the point is bigger and even aside from that, there is good here, now, that I’m not stopping to notice because I’m too focused on me.

So, I let this truth roll over me instead of staying bummed and noticed that my cutie baby/toddler daughter is big enough to sit on a stool next to her daddy and learn from him. I notice that my sweet husband took hours building shelves that he knew I’d adore and that I hadn’t properly thanked him for them, even though they’ve been done for days. I noticed that the sky is big, and I could drink in the sun from indoors, as bright as it is here, something I take for granted all the time.

These things are all good, even when I’m not feeling well.

These things are all good, even when I’m so tired I can feel it deep.

These things are all good, even when our lives are upended and nothing we’ve been clinging to is certain anymore.

God is still good, after all. And he made all of these things.

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