when everything is heavy

My heart has been inexplicably heavy these past few days.  Or maybe there are just too many weights to explain; I can certainly think of enough.  It’s just on top of all this illness, all this hurt in the world, all this crap we’ve been wading through, I have an underlying feeling of foreboding–gross and heavy, like I can’t really enjoy what’s going on because something is going to happen.  Something bad.

Maybe I am being ridiculous.  I always have weird dreams when I’m sick.  I’ve felt so uneasy and restless since yesterday, especially.  This morning, and today, it’s been better.  Ailey and I are just hanging out, having a pretty nice day.  She’s hilarious and sweet and busy.  All things I love, and more than that.  What a gift, to spend these days with her. 

When I feel like this, I’m learning to ask God for peace and comfort.  Ask him for what I need to do, if anything.  Instead of fretting, pray.  Instead of worrying, seek rest in him.  Thank you, God for being instead for me.  That’s the crux of this grace gift from him, isn’t it?  Instead.  Instead of me, it was him.  Instead of drowning in my sin, I live forgiven.  Instead of pain and suffering, rejoicing.  Praise God for instead.

I’m remembering, the more I write and the more I obey his asking me to walk with him daily (I’m realizing now how long I’ve been disobeying), that I can turn to him instead of worry.  I can focus on his goodness, the gifts he’s given me, and be thankful in the midst of this troubled world with an unknown future looming.  These things are hard and scary, but he is just and true.  When blood is shed in the streets and sons don’t come home to their mothers and riots ensue, God is still just and true.  He’s still working this brokenness for good, right?  He’s in the midst of it.  He’s starting conversations on justice and drawing attention to the places that could use more justice and more of the truth.  He is here with us, in this with us, walking with us.

Thank you God for your faithful hand, on us, with us even now. 


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